Self-Worth is Worth What?

Every now and then we run across people who clearly don’t know their worth. It’s evident in what they post, how they carry themselves, what they say out loud, and so on. How does one expect to be treated like royalty when you see yourself as a pauper? Maybe you don’t know you’re giving off “I’m unworthy” vibes, so allow me to lay out a few hints.

• You air your dirty laundry on social media in hopes that you’ll find a posse of folks to be down for your cause and mad at who and whatever you’re mad at or depressed about.
• You’re up one day and down the next and everyone is along for the ride they didn’t ask to be picked up on.
• You find yourself looking for “love” and mistake lust, lies, and infatuation for the real thing.
• People don’t know how to approach you because they don’t know if they’re getting Dr. Jeckyl or Mr. or Mrs. Hyde.
• You say horrible things about yourself to others AND to yourself. (negative self-talk)

 

Do you really want the court of public opinion to validate your often misplaced feelings? Do you REALLY want people on your side so you’ll feel better? Must you have a social pity party and invite us all to it? You need a social media build up so your self-worth meter rises a few degrees above freezing? Let me hip you to something. What if your 1000’s of friends and followers respond, “It’s ok, girl,” “You’re beautiful. I love you,” “Don’t even worry about it. They don’t deserve you anyway.”? You keep checking back for more one-liner pep talks and feel so blessed to have good “friends.” How do you feel after the post is no longer on timelines and the comments cease to become a Facebook memory? You log off and are still alone – literally and mentally. You feel no more joy than the last uplifting, probably somewhat shallow, surface area comment you read. Your self-worth was predicated on the opinions of others who probably don’t have enough damns to give about whatever it is that’s eating you. The ones who do don’t need to prove it on social media, and NONE of the above matter anyway if YOU don’t think you’re worth more.

Forrest Gump said his mama said that life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get. Some people are like that too. We don’t know who we’ll get from one day to the next. Heck, from one HOUR to the next! One day you’re triumphant and can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. The next day, you’re in tears and going off on folk who just said good morning and how are you? How ARE you? Still, the next day, you’re confused and lack focus to do required tasks. Then back to quoting scriptures cause you went to church Sunday and pastor spoke directly to you and you feel so much better. Do you, though? I’m a witness – I was NOT. I love to laugh and I’m not going to be all up and down and unstable, but behind the laughter was someone who didn’t know her self-worth. Yes, I love God; believe in Him wholeheartedly, but who I didn’t believe in was me. I’m telling you, the roller coaster makes folk dizzy, and sooner or later, they’ll start to tolerate you but don’t want to be bothered with you.

We all want love. To be loved; to fall in love; to bask in the light of love – we want all that, but a self-love deficiency negates any of the above. We just know that if he or she would sweep us off our feet, then the planets will align and our worlds would be centered. What happens when the sweep lands us in the dust? What happens when there’s an eclipse and NO light is shining at the moment? We go out looking for new light switches who abuse us, use us, take advantage of our hearts, ignore us and on and on. We change jobs, churches, friends; all in an effort to build worth in ourselves when all we’re doing is moving our messy selves around hoping the environment will clean the mess, but the mess is within. We don’t love ourselves enough to know that we are enough! Seasons change and new flowers grow, but you are still enough with or without. You have to own your value, and don’t put undue pressure on someone else or something else to add to what they never gave you to start with. Be completely worthy and worth it all by your dang self. You can never adequately love anyone until you love yourself. I KNOW what I’m talking about – trust me! It’s a journey, but one that must be taken.
Christ has plans for you that only you can carry out. When you’re moping around as if you weren’t fearfully and wonderfully made, how will you be open to the wondrous things God has laid up for you? You may even miss the message and forfeit your destiny simply because you don’t see yourself as HE sees you.

You are a masterpiece. A MASTERPIECE! Do you know what that is?! It takes dedication, determination, and skill to create a masterpiece. When an artist has labored to fashion a piece of epic proportions, it’s his or her masterpiece – precious and priceless. You are precious to God. Why aren’t you precious to YOU? He created you, and He would NEVER create worthless junk. Stand free in that and move forward to the good things He planned for you.

I don’t know what broke you down. I don’t know what lead to your self-hate or feelings of worthlessness. I’m here to tell you to start clearing yourself a path to restoration. Seek help if your self-worth is so destroyed that you can’t begin to rebuild it. Not on social media. Not from others. It begins and ends with you. Self-worth is worth what? It’s priceless. It’s peace. It’s joy even in the midst of chaos. What’s it worth to you?

 

Who Hears the Tears?

Her face smiles. Her laughter is infectious. Her surface life is great. She’s been graced with gifts and talents. She is educated and seemingly accomplished. This is a performance of epic proportions because when the curtain falls and the lights go out, all she becomes is broken.

She sits in a room. The room is dark, yet the sun shines outside. Her head is swimming with thoughts of defeat. She carries so much pain – physical and mental. She is trapped in her own misery or perceived misery. She doesn’t cope well with disappointment, hurt, anger, and anguish; never did. Every “just one more thing” is internalized and slowly deteriorates and diminishes her light. She is depression and she is real, but who hears the tears?

Tears rush down her face even when she smiles. Tears flow into a pool under her chin, but no one sees it. Everyone says she’s ok. She’s a burden to those who love her because they simply don’t know how to help her. She’s swinging at life and trials are winning. She cries out to God and begs Him for help and for peace and for the moment, she believes it will all work out for her good cause that’s what the word promises, right? It says ALL things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. She loves God, but nothing is working together – in the mind of the depressed and anxious. The same bible says “be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

The mind…ahhhh, the mind is a peculiar thing. It can create full blown scenarios that are tall tales, myths and simply not as catastrophic as it seems. A renewed mind chooses to see things differently, but flipping that switch isn’t easy. Those on the outside looking in can sometimes make her feel like you’re just needy or seeking attention or “doing the most,” and it’s not that serious. No, she’s BROKEN and you have no clue why. Sometimes SHE doesn’t even know why!

Questioning her belief in God or her faith in God isn’t the way to approach this. Yes, prayer can change things, but depression, anxiety and the myriad of health issues that accompany them are not spiritual matters; they are diagnoses. She can love God and have a headache. She can love God and suffer within herself. She can love God and be sick. She can love God and be DEPRESSED. She wants help and wants to do what it takes to get better; have a better quality of life – that abundant life, but when it gets hard, she wants to quit and sometimes she does quit; not because she doesn’t want to do any better, but sometimes she resolves herself to the thinking that it can’t be any better. It is what it is kind of attitude. The road is not straight. It’s winding and filled with potholes, dips, bumps and sharp curves that you drive for long periods of time.

Don’t give up on those you love who may be suffering within themselves. Don’t throw up your hands and walk away. They may need you! Yes, changing their mind is on them. Fighting for themselves is on them. Wanting to get better and recognizing they need to is on them, but still don’t walk away with an “I can’t do anything else” attitude. You may be tired, but they are EXHAUSTED. It is not their intention to drain every ounce of strength from you, nor is it fair for them to do so, but know they aren’t themselves. Who hears the tears? Somewhere, the one you love is trying to dig their way to the light, but who hears the tears? Smiling – who hears the tears? Laughing – who hears the tears? Ready to release the tears…who will hear the triumph when the smiles and laughter are finally real and here to stay?

 

Pressing Toward

¹² Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus. ¹³ Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, ¹⁴ I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

~Phillipians 3:12-14

I’ve heard this particular passage of scripture several times; taught from several angles, but in this post, I want to focus on the “pressing toward the mark” portion. When you make the decision to FORGET those things that are behind you and press TOWARD the mark, you can’t continue to walk forward yet have your hand behind you pulling the rolling luggage of the past. I believe it’s easier for some folk to dwell on “those things behind” because those things are certain and to move forward means to abandon something you knew to be true and TRUST that what’s coming is better. It means you have to walk an unknown path filled with uncertainty and that makes us all VERY uncomfortable. Can’t we just perpetually stay in the “things that are behind us?” It’s very simple; we cannot. I mean you could, but the prize isn’t back there.

So about this pressing. Some of us bench press weights. Some of us just press buttons. Some of us press down on food items to make patties or mix well. The weight lifter can’t look at the weights and expect them to rise. We don’t just plop a glob of meat for a burger on the grill and never mixed the seasonings in; that’s not a taste that will be welcomed. When you press a button on the phone, you expect an app to open or the phone to perform a specific task. The point here is any type of press requires work – low or high impact, so pressing toward a prize is not going to be something that will come easily to you. You must put forth an effort to press. It takes nothing to recall, but it takes everything to press forward.

Your “things behind you” maybe failed attempts at making a relationship work. It could be bad experiences at the hands of “church folk.” It could be trouble with the law that resulted in prison time or other consequences. It could be health treatments that didn’t work. Maybe, it’s alcoholism or drug abuse. Whatever your “things behind you” is, I’m here to encourage you to PRESS TOWARD. Let go of the rolling luggage; loose the weight and PRESS!

Yes – pressing is painful at times, but even a broken arm will heal. An athlete doesn’t quit playing the sport because they were hurt in the past. Yes – pressing may mean old habits get left behind, but get free anyway. Yes – pressing may mean against all you want to hold on to that didn’t work and makes you believe moving forward won’t work, you give it one more shot – DO IT! Pressing may mean a new career path into the unfamiliar – take the job, promotion or business plan and make it happen! Staying settled in the “things that are behind you” closes the door on so much that God has prepared for you.

Your reality is one thing. Your PROMISE is another. Pressing toward the mark goes beyond the realm of what you know to be true because you see and feel it. Pressing toward the mark says, “God, I don’t know but you do and I’m going to trust you.” The one time you make up in your mind to forget those things which are behind you and press toward the mark will be when God’s promises manifest in your life. Relationships, jobs, business opportunities, healing, and more is yours, but it’s not behind you. Are you ready to press?

2016 – There are No Words, But I’ll Write a Few

Ok, so here’s a moment of more transparency. Judging by the title, one might think here comes all the reasons I hated 2016. Well, read on because you may be surprised at the turn it will take. While this year had glimpses of hope, happiness and even joy, it also had tough growing PAINS.

I spent the majority of the year teetering between thinking God wasn’t listening to a word I’m saying to I KNOW He wasn’t listening to well maybe He was cause He allowed things to happen to show I wasn’t forgotten. Then back to, “But God? Why give me this but not fix the situation?”

This year, anxiety attacks, chronic pain, depression, doubt, fear, insecurity all came thundering down a steep mountain, ran me over at times and brought me to my knees – literally. I laughed a little and cried a LOT. I had some fun but then couldn’t sleep. I was blessed with a new job after several months of unemployment and no income, but still no peace. My business had a few great moments, but still no joy. I was BROKEN. I felt like I was reading a book of me wishing I could revise the outcomes, words, characters. I was trapped outside of my own life wanting to desperately bang on the window to say, “NO! Don’t do that! Don’t say that! Don’t go there! SHUT UP! Are you paying attention at all, girl?!” 365 days of never feeling like I could woosah. 365 days of holding my breath thinking, “what next?”.

Now, please, believe me, there was much going on that was much more catastrophic, so I should have felt blessed beyond measure for those things there were NOT happening to me cause it could have been worse. Yes, I know that’s the attitude you should have, but sorry. This blog post is my truth.

I felt like most tears fell in vain. I wanted to scream at God, “Why won’t you do anything?!” But I submit that God WAS doing something. Not outside of me but INSIDE of me. The bible says, “greater is HE that’s in ME…” Problem is I wasn’t allowing the HE in me to be great. Sometimes, we don’t recognize when God IS working out exactly what you prayed for because while we prayed for it and so called “left it with God,” what we REALLY did was have in our mind how it would look to us when God has accomplished the task of answering our prayer. You’re your own blessing event planner. God, it should be done this day at this time with these people invited to the unveiling of how good you are – insert praise break! When it doesn’t look that way, we question, cry, throw tantrums, get angry or depressed. No…just stop!

I have always been very spoiled and self-centered; not in a mean girl, obnoxious sort of way but simply used to getting what I wanted and having my way. I have always wanted the approval and love of others because my love for me was based on their love for me. I had no strength of my own. I had no faith of my own. I was tied to a lifeline to someone or something – my parents, my relatives, my husband, my job, and more. I had to get a wake-up call, and God tried to drop things in my spirit to let me know I wasn’t heading in a direction He was going to bless. I felt it; was convicted by it, but was just dumb, for lack of a better term. Some of us will never truly understand who God is unless He breaks us, and that’s what I meant by growing PAINS. When God sent that wake-up call, I FINALLY took a look at ME, and I didn’t like all there was to see. I’m not a complete and utter lost cause, but I was thrust into finding my worth, strength, true faith, and love for ME outside of anything going on around me. It’s an extremely hard journey and it feels very lonely at times.

One thing I’m coming to terms with is I make mistakes, and I used to be unapologetic about it or try to justify it away. Apologizing isn’t a sign of weakness. It shows you care enough about the other person to make things right. Next, while I’m talented and gifted at certain things, I didn’t love myself and was insecure. I loved myself enough to know I didn’t want to hurt me or leave this world but not enough to believe I’m good enough. Selfish – I lived my life without much regard to those connected to me. I missed most of my son’s infancy doing everything in “busy”ness. And being a wife…refer to my previous blog post, Entering Lightly. All of this was in my mirror. Now, what was I supposed to do? I’m 39. Change is a marathon and not a sprint. I started this journey in 2015, actually, and continued on all year to a better, stronger, more faith-filled me. I fight through anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, selfishness daily. I miss the mark a lot. I try too hard a lot. BUT, I contend that I’m not the same person I’ve been. Believe it or not – matters not. My new ever-changing me is walking into 2017 with new hope and God as the guide without me as His co-pilot. It’s amazing that pastor’s message today was “When Was the Last Time You Felt Like the First Time?” The closer I get to God and the more I go after Him, other things have to get better. God is who I’m after – BETTER comes with Him. Happy New Year!

Entering Lightly

“Marriage is not an institution to be entered into lightly…” These words are spoken in most ceremonies when two are to be joined. We listen to it for its ritualistic value, but do we REALLY understand what’s being said in our hearing? Marriage is a big deal! Contrary to the way Hollywood, government, and society at large treat it, the covenant of marriage means something to GOD! Well, this blog post is a moment of transparency. I entered in lightly!

I love “love.” Meaning I believe in it wholeheartedly. I love to be loved. Blah blah blah…whatever and stuff. The kind of love I liked was make believe – the things that fairy tales, myths, and legends are made of. The kind of love I liked was one-sided – the prince loves ME and dotes on ME. He’d whisk me away and live life happily ever after. The end. NOT! This immature love concept blinded me to the true love I really had trying to make it a feat of grand cinematography. How dumb was that?! I’m going to help someone who is a wife now, has consented to be someone’s wife or hoping to be a wife someday. Just hear me out and not listen in judgment.

I saw a FINE guy walking down the hall in high school. He had blossomed from the year before into a muscular, dark, bald piece of art. We were friends and football was a bit of the glue of our friendship at the time. He was a defensive lineman and I was a varsity cheerleader. He was nice, clean cut, and cute but I was into thugs and “bad” boys. Little did I know that this nice guy, totally unlike what I thought I liked or would fall for, would be my boyfriend much less my husband in the near future.

September 20, 1994 – after a failed attempt at trying to go together (broken off stupidly by me still going for thugs and less-thans), Mr. Clean Cut and I were an item. There was something pure about him. In his eyes, I saw sincerity. I felt like no one mattered except me when we were together. And STILL, no clue what my part in love was…entering lightly. Fast forward, we graduated from high school, with honors (had to throw that in there; he’s smart too 😊) and were off to different colleges. Entering lightly…still no clue.

We called ourselves breaking up in college for a few months but still only spent time and talked to each other. That break up was short lived. December 25, 1997 – a proposal! Plans were being made to build a forever life together. My story was being written nicely…entering lightly. He was loving me far beyond what I could imagine and I was loving him not even fathoming my reciprocal duty…just lost in it.

June 12, 1999, was a gorgeous, yet hot day. I was gonna marry the man of my dreams. He spoiled me and treated me like a queen. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for me. Me me me…and more me. “Marriage is not an institution to be entered into lightly.” I entered in light as a feather, but when that feather became a boulder, love came crashing down and I was faced with something that wasn’t the pomp and circumstance of a romantic, uplifting, whimsical and magical tale. I had to re-evaluate just where my love stood and what it meant to me to preserve it for who God sent to me. I submit to you that I had it all wrong, and by the time I got it – I found myself in one hell of a fight. If it helps even one person not have to go through this, then this post did its job. Strap in.

Our relationship was purely built on how my boyfriend loved me. As long as I was the center of his world, all was right with the world. I didn’t have to give much thought to how I felt about him. He loved me so of course, I loved him. He didn’t care about anything I had or anything I was doing. He honestly and truly just loved me. The problem with that is I didn’t know how to receive a love that genuine, so I wore it out and took it for granted. I didn’t think much of myself because I always looked outside of me for validation. You MUST love you or who God sent to findeth a good thing in you won’t even matter. Entering lightly…

 I did what I wanted when I wanted, how I wanted without much regard for the man in my life. I ignored what was said and what wasn’t said. Now wait; I know what you’re thinking – I can’t be a mind reader. This is true, BUT there’s a lot of conversation in silence. I was determined when I said I do that he wasn’t gonna tell me what to do. At that point, I was out of the will of God concerning my role as a wife. Ephesians 5 calls for wives to be submissive to their husbands and respect them. I did respect him but I was nowhere near submissive, so I guess in that regard, I didn’t respect him as the head. Ladies, it takes NOTHING away from your womanhood, feminism or independence to be submissive. God made man the head for a reason. Don’t buck His system! Your strength won’t leave you. Submission is not kryptonite so you won’t lose your powers. You are a team, but he is the head…period. When you’re out of order, it is bound to blow up in your face. I KNOW of what I speak. I was told I never listen and Imma do what I want anyway. After a while, it’s no longer a joke. What you laugh off and dismiss may be crying later. Entering lightly…

You are who you are. No other wife is like you and no other husband is like him. Comparison is one of the poisonous arrows that shoots through your relationship heart. I had the picture perfect relationship playing in my mind, but that wasn’t my reality. I wanted this couple’s reality cause he washes his wife’s car. I wanted that couple’s reality because he gets his wife’s hair and nails done. This husband compliments his wife in public and online and on and on. I didn’t know if they were smiling in public and fighting like cats and dogs at home. I didn’t know if that hair and nails appointment were to make up for something someone forgot or did that was hurtful. I didn’t know that she was being submissive and taking care of home. Point is, I had the perfect man for me just the way he was, but I didn’t take the time to see HIM right and when my eyes were opened, his were dimming. Entering lightly…

Wake up and understand, what you choose is not always God’s choice. He may not fit who we envisioned but who are we to say, “no God. Not him. Too tall. Too short. Wrong job.”? Check yourself. I have come to know when you enter lightly…

• Your perception of love is YOUR reality and when your significant other doesn’t live up to the perception, resentment may well up and you seek to change what was really a God-send.
• You take love for granted as if it will always be as magical as the day you declared “I do” in front of God and witnesses. Love isn’t one moment in time. It is a daily job and decision.
• When things aren’t going “as planned,” you make other plans that could be turning to others, becoming a work-a-holic, primarily focusing on kids or anything to disengage.
• You bring preconceived notions on how things gonna be and what you’re not gonna do and all the other person will (better) do – tall tales and myths…
• You think that how you are coming into marriage is never to be changed. You can’t bring your spoiled, selfish, self-absorbed self into a union! It may be ok at first but it will wear thin…I KNOW what I’m talking about.

I have come to learn and still processing…

• I really do love my husband and it really is unconditional.
• If it’s worth it, love your way through it and hold on until your fingers get locked up and then hold tighter.
• Prayer changes things even if the thing is YOU.

Don’t wait until you have to put the pieces back together. Don’t enter lightly. Saying “I do” lasts far beyond the ceremony.