Ears to Hear – Hearts to Listen

Have you ever heard that sometimes you have to listen to what you’re hearing from someone? That sounds redundant because aren’t you listening when you hear them? Not necessarily so…we often times express ourselves in a way that makes perfect sense to us. We get it. Then, the person we’re conversing with responds in such a fashion that we are 110% sure they didn’t listen to a word we said. I’ve been there. I am there.

As I give these bullets, I’m not at all saying that I have mastered these tips, but I am saying I’m working hard at it.

• Don’t respond right away. Take a few moments to process what you just heard. Sometimes, we’re rehearsing our defensive rebuttal and not truly listening. Once you’ve gotten what was delivered to you together in your mind, then make sure you heard it right and then respond in a way that the other person feels you were listening and you care. We don’t always like what’s being said to us, but there’s always a deeper meaning behind the words, and we should seek to find that meaning beyond the surface. The bible says people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. I submit to you that relationships are destroyed for this too. As the saying goes, “Seek first to understand THEN to be understood.” And in all of it, let love lead.
• Try not to take it personally when someone comes at you with all their raw emotion. This is a bit of advice I’m still working on because it’s hard to not bite back when you’ve been bitten, but that’s not always the right road to travel. This is when your heart must take on the responsibility of your ears to listen to what’s really being said through perceived rudeness and behavior that’s uncalled for chased with a certain tone of voice. Before you jump, what is your heart saying?
• If the resolution is to agree to disagree, LET IT GO! Go get something to eat or a drink, but for God’s sake, MOVE ON. The lingering tension that YOU’RE breeding makes the environment less than joyous and peaceful. If the person or persons you’re talking to are ok, then you be ok. No one is feeling any type of way toward you, so stop being paranoid. It really IS ok; they really ARE moving forward, and they really ARE NOT thinking about it anymore.
• Don’t “hear” a nonexistent conversation. Don’t read into anything that isn’t said. Don’t make up your own interpretation.
• Sometimes, all that is required is for you to listen ONLY. Your ear means the world to someone. Try not to interject your thoughts when they weren’t requested. At some point, they will be needed, but discern when it’s the right time.

I was always the one waiting for my turn to talk and it never mattered what was said – true or not – helpful or not – didn’t matter at all. All that mattered was you agreeing with me or seeing things my way. Being wrong was NOT an option because being wrong meant, in some way, I’ve chipped away at how much you like me or love me or accept me. Completely immature… now, because of that kind of behavior, when I’m truly not trying to be that way, it is still perceived as such. It’s hard to communicate like this. It’s hard to establish harmony and agreement like that. You have two ears to hear, but I believe your heart can help process what gets muddled and blurred in your hearing. Ears to hear…hearts to listen. Try it.

Trusting God for What You Can’t See

Proverbs 3:5 (NRSV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not rely on your own insight.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart? Lean not on our own understanding? I’ve read this passage of scripture dozens of times. I love God and believe in Him wholeheartedly, but the control freak in me often has a problem with the trusting part. Trusting beyond sight takes an extreme amount of faith that I’m not so sure I always have, especially when my present reality doesn’t suggest that God is doing anything but ignoring my needs. Don’t judge but read with an open mind and prayerful spirit.

There are current and past situations in my life that took my breath away and not in the warm and fuzzy way. I pray and cry and cry and pray, yet I get up and nothing changes. I have no control of it and that’s unsettling. I submit to you that it’s easy to trust AND believe when your understanding is clearly in front of your face. Things are going accordingly to plan (your plan, that is) and God is a good God – yes He is! What about when times are dark and you don’t know if God even heard you let alone that He’s working it out for your good? That is when you’re leaning on your own understanding. It doesn’t look good, but just when you’re at your wit’s end and ready to give up – hold on because He’s coming. It’s darkest just before daybreak!

Every tear I’ve cried was because of my own understanding of my present reality and not trusting God will do what He promised. Yea, I heard Him, but when is He gonna do what I heard? I need to know dates, times, play by plays. “HA!” says God. If we knew how it would play out, there would be no need to trust Him. Faith would be a mute point. Who needs faith if you know what’s gonna happen? You have to surrender!

Surrender your heart completely to trusting the Lord no matter what it looks like. He’s got it under control even when we’re stressing over our own understanding. Even if you must cry because it hurts, praise Almighty God. Don’t lean on what you see but who He is. God knows you’re hurting. He sees it. Sometimes it’s needful and necessary to make a better you, so go on through it. He’s there. We’re not privy to know what He’s doing, but we’ll appreciate it when He’s done. Just because you think it should be worked out in a year or few months doesn’t move God to action. And when our deadline isn’t met, we jump in to “help,” mess it all up, then we’re back on our knees screaming to God about where is He when you need Him.

God will let you do exactly what you want – in His will or nah. When it falls apart, you’ll be back and being the grace-filled, forgiving God that He is will STILL do what He was gonna do while you were messing around in His business. He doesn’t need our forgiveness for not sending the blessing when we wanted it. We need HIS forgiveness for not trusting in Him. It’s human nature to believe what we see, but it isn’t God nature. He can do what seems impossible. Give whatever to Him and do your best to leave it there. Constantly leaning on our own understanding leaves us sick, upset, angry, bitter, and resentful, but if we’d just TRUST, WAIT and WATCH, God will ALWAYS come through as promised in HIS time.

18 Years – 18 Lessons

Today is our 18th wedding anniversary! I am thankful to GOD for those 18 years and especially the last 2. Marriage is to have and hold from that day forward (for us, that would be June 12, 1999), for better or worse; richer or poorer; sickness and health; honor, cherish, obey…and everything in between. Our union has seen the extremes of all the vows. It has not been a bed of roses for 18 years, but it has been a daily decision to have and hold from that day forward, and it still is in God’s hands.

I got married at 22, and now at age 40 – there are some things I have learned, but marriage is a 24/7 lesson in a class that I’m making every effort to pass with flying colors. 18 lessons…

1. You got married because you loved the person. Love them unconditionally even on the days when you don’t LIKE them, love them ANYWAY. Remember you love them when they’re behaving in an unlovable manner. Bring to the forefront why you stood before God and witnesses and love them through it.
2. Pay attention! Don’t leave each other uncovered. It gives the devil an open door to walk right in and take up residency in your relationship. You’ll look around and wonder what happened here and what happened is you let the enemy in, but you have the power to evict him out of your life and he can’t stay when you do.
3. TALK TO EACH OTHER! It can be as routine as “how was your day” to more serious topics, but don’t let every conversation be a moment of contention. Don’t go into every conversation prepared for battle. Be genuinely interested in what your spouse has to say and what they have going on, not just waiting your turn to overtake the conversation. If they can’t tell you about their day, they surely aren’t going to come to you when there’s a real issue.
4. Friendship is key. If you find your friendship is fading in the abyss of life, find a way to get your friend back. Go out and do something, laugh, play a game, whatever it takes. You’re their friend first before any of their crew.
5. It is OK if you aren’t just alike. It is OK to not like all the same things. Being married doesn’t mean you have to be up under each other ALL the time. Gred day! You both need things to do that is just for you and again that’s OK.
6. Your relationship is YOUR relationship. Comparing yourself to others is a recipe for resentment and contempt to set in; HOWEVER, you don’t know what is going on in someone else’s relationship. Tend to yours and yours alone.
7. What GOD has joined together, let no man put asunder. Don’t be that man or woman. Sometimes we sabotage our own good thing. #thatisall
8. Ladies, if your spouse is leading as God has commanded; loving you as Christ loved the church; close your mouth and LET HIM LEAD, ya hear. Submission is not a bad word. I thought it was and by no means was any man gonna tell me what to do, but that was immature thinking and lack of understanding of God’s word. You are partners, but he is the head.
9. Choose your battles. You don’t have to give your two cents and harp on every little thing your spouse does. Some things are just how they are. Unless it’s gonna cause true detriment to your relationship, let them be great. Is it REALLY that serious? I doubt it.
10. No one is perfect, but God made someone who is perfect FOR YOU. No, he or she may not be who you would have carved out for yourself but we aren’t God. He knows best!
11. At the end of the day, can you live without them? Only you can answer that. When it’s worth it, fight all you can and let God handle what you can’t.
12. Psalm 127:3 says that children are a heritage of the Lord, but you didn’t marry your child. Your spouse comes first after God. Being the best husband and wife to each other you can be will only help your role as parents.
13. Hear what isn’t spoken as much as what is. Spouses, in an effort to keep the peace, may not always say exactly what’s on their mind. This could escalate into resentment and being closed off. Make every effort to truly be in sync with your spouse’s feelings and don’t make them feel as if what they think and feel doesn’t matter to you.
14. Expand your horizons. No, you don’t have to like each and everything your spouse enjoys, but TRY to do something with them that they enjoy. It shows you’re attentive to them and really love them enough to put your opinions aside and just revel in their company, which brings me to #15.
15. It’s NOT all about YOU. I’m spoiled. I admit it, but I had to learn a hard lesson about being self-absorbed at times. You don’t have to be the center of the world to be his or her heart. You don’t have to be announced each time you enter the living room to be seen. Your marriage is greater than both of you because someone is always watching – friends, family, your children. People take the sacredness of marriage as a joke, so couples are needed who can stand up for marriage – the good, the bad and the ugly.
16. That is YOUR spouse and YOUR marriage. Anyone who isn’t you or your spouse needs to mind their business. “They” are listening and so is the enemy. Don’t give out the bullets to the gun that could be used to kill your relationship. If you must speak, be careful that whoever has your best interest at heart. You don’t need an amen corner to foolishness, nor do you need people all in the “what they’d do” and “what they’d say” and “what they wouldn’t take” club.
17. When times gets rough, recall your why. A smile, hug, kiss go a long way. Kiss and make up and stop acting up.
18. In all things, give thanks. God granted you all the time you’ve been with this individual and people change, but the essence of why you said yes and then I do are still the same. Keep learning and loving and STAY TOGETHER!

You’ve Been Here Long Enough; Play Time is OVER!

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” ~2 Timothy 1:7 NIV

I was listening to my friend and sorority sister, Adrienne Young, talk about the assignment of the enemy and how he is on an attack for marriages and families as well as other areas of our lives. It was a powerful teaching, and I’m privileged to share it in this blog post. “Sick of the Enemy” will definitely bless you.

https://vimeo.com/213884415

If that wasn’t enough, the leader of the Self-Assured Woman Movement, Tamika Sims, did a Periscope broadcast with a similar theme.

There were other references as well, but I want to dedicate this blog post to evicting the enemy from my life and yours! He keeps trying it and I’m tired, but there’s more punch in me if he wants to keep on with the foolery.

FIRST of all, I decree and declare that his assignment is CANCELED. The bible says that the thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, BUT GOD comes that we might have life and have it more abundantly. The devil is going to do what he does, but we don’t have to fall prey to his devices. When he comes to disrupt our abundance…speak boldly and with power that he absolutely can’t have what he’s after. This disruption of abundance comes in many forms:

• relationships
• mental peace
• finances
• children
• health
• business
• betrayal/breach of trust
• naysayers/non-supporters
• fake friends

What he won’t do is have a hold on my stuff any longer. I was in a horrific accident in 2010 and many wouldn’t have survived it. I was in a burning vehicle in immense pain but was pulled from my car along with my son just in time. My life is precious to God and there is a purpose attached to it. Serving notice to…

• Get out of my marriage! Perpetuating our differences to be a breaking point for us is NOT going to fly. Take that back to the pits of hell and stay there. WHEN not IF it is restored, the victory is going to make you sick. The triumph will make you tremble. You have GOT to go. You have no dominion over my family or my relationship. My eyes see clearly now what you were trying to do and who you’re trying to do it through. I rebuke anything coming against what God joined. You will NOT have my family.
• Get out of my mind! The bible says “ Set your mind and keep focused habitually on the things above [the heavenly things], not on things that are on the earth [which have only temporal value].” For a very long time, I have been in a constant state of depression and anxiety. Am I still in this fight, yes, but the word says to set my mind on things above. Set your mind on God and He will set you free! The devil can’t stay where God dwells. Change the locks on your mind and leave his bags on the doorstep. Be mindful, he’s slick and before you know it, you’ve handed him a new set of keys. WhatEVER it takes to get your mind set, do it! Speak to a professional. Pray. Go on a retreat. I don’t know what it might take because some have deeply rooted issues and the enemy feeds on that. My mind is mine and he can’t have it anymore!
• Get out of my body! Now, I’m not saying stop taking all your meds and such because we need to walk in wisdom. However, by his stripes, we ARE healed. Fibromyalgia, allergies, connective tissue disease, hypertension – you can’t overtake my entire well-being! I know you exist, but you’re getting in the way of my purpose. I felt defeated and like a burden. I accepted that this was the way it was gonna be; tis my lot. The devil is a liar. That is NOT the abundant life God promised me, and I’m not just gonna lie down and take it. Greater is HE that’s in me. The journey may be hard, but a gold medal isn’t earned unless you start the race.
• This is MY business. VMJ Media Group is blessed because I know what I’m here for. I don’t fit into a cute little box because God has given me too much to be confined to what anyone says I oughta be doing. I doubted my business based on what others said or thought and backed away from it thinking maybe this isn’t what I should be doing. No one will see the value. LISTEN! Some may not but clearly, that’s not my audience or they aren’t ready. I accept that but my purpose isn’t nullified because you don’t get it, don’t like it, don’t whatever. It’ll be alright and so will you.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this [present] darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) places.”

When you feed something, you make it big, strong and powerful. Many of us have given the enemy a full-course meal and a seat at the head of the table. When something is deprived of nutrients, it WILL die. 1 Peter 5:8 says “ Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” Know and recognize when it’s him, and choke the life out of the enemy with your praise, worship, just getting up each day with a renewed mind and spirit, smile, read and meditate on the word of God. Again, I say bind him up and cancel his assignment!

10 Lessons at 40

 

As I approach my 40th birthday, I thought about blogging 40 things I’ve learned in 40 years, but that would be a bit lengthy, so I decided to keep it to 10. Some of these lessons I learned the hard way while a couple are pretty simple in nature, but nonetheless, they are my truths. Happy birthday to me!

1. I’ve come to realize that I’m pretty dang ok. While I still sometimes struggle with acceptance, I know that some will and some won’t. Either way, it’s fine with me or it will be, trust that.
2. Vyce at 20 is NOT the same at 40, and if it was, I would like someone to check me in love. I know that I’m not perfect and trying to be will keep you frustrated and in a state of defeat. I miss the mark sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I fail. I learn and move on.
3. My adult life is very much a result of my childhood. Things I’ve experienced, I’m sure, have been experienced by others, but how I dealt with them wasn’t always healthy. Turning a blind eye to your problems in an “out of sight; out of mind” type way is not healthy. DEAL WITH YOUR ISSUES. Which brings me to #4…
4. Talking to a mental health professional is 110% ok, needful and necessary. It is not a lack of faith, and don’t allow ANYONE to make you feel that way. Your relationship with God has nothing to with what wars in your mind. Can God renew your mind? Absolutely. But people have the gift to pull out of you things that were buried; why not talk to them?! Some of the sludge has to be sifted through to get to better YOU. 
5. FAMILY IS EVERYTHING! In an attempt to be accepted everywhere else, I neglected my family. I missed a lot of my son’s infant years due to “busy”ness. Behind God, your family (spouse, children, etc.) is most important. Don’t find yourself in a place where you have to put together shattered pieces because you just weren’t paying attention. It’s dark and lonely. Ask me how I know. You can’t make me miss a thing that my family is involved in unless I’m working or really have a pressing thing to do. They have my support and I have theirs.
6. I love hard and give some way more loyalty than they deserve, but you know what…it’s not about them. When you do things from a pure heart, you rest easy. HOWEVER, don’t think you can just run over me or attempt to take advantage of my good heart. Ignore, delete and block work well on ALL my devices. Thank ya nah.
7. I like what I like; I don’t like what I don’t like, and I don’t have to explain it to anyone.
8. I know where my talents, gifts and limits lie. I no longer mind saying no, nor do I feel guilty doing so.
9. I didn’t always work to my potential because I was afraid of what others thought, feared I would fail, got overwhelmed and quit before seeing a task through. None of that is acceptable. I want to work in excellence, so that is what I will strive to do.
10. Life doesn’t stop just because you didn’t accomplish all you wanted by a certain age. Continue to LIVE and PROSPER; what God has laid up for you didn’t have an age attached to it. Yes, sometimes we are the hold-up, but things will start to come together at just the right time. KEEP MOVING!